Adium

I’m tired, feel like crap, and can’t hear.

For dinner I picked Taco Bell.  Went through the drive through, ordered, handed them my card, they handed me my drink, then gave me my reciept and card back, then I left.  After a minute or so down the road when I felt it was safe enough to eat, I reached over and couldn’t find my food.  I quickly thought about it then realized that I forgot it.  A quick debate led me to understand I had to buck up and face them despite how embarresing it may be.

I turned around and headed back, grabbed my reciept and walked into the restaurant.  Not a single soul in the place.  No customers at the tables, no one in line, nothing, just me.  The drive through attendant saw me and pointed, followed by an uproar of laughter.  I walk up to the counter, put my reciept down, she tells me I don’t need it and grabs a bag then fufills my order, tossing in a free order of cinnamon twists.  I try to explain its been a long day but she pays not attention as she is still slightly laughing.  Letting out a long sigh and not feeling as embarresed as I expected, trying to laugh along with them I didn’t want to stay around any longer than I had too.

This just goes to show I have yet to get my head on straight, and need to hurry up and do so.

I think I can blame the way I feel primarily on being under the weather, since I know I have a fever with this ear infection.  Which this only seems to amplify everything.

I called the PA DMV, they suspended my license on 8/8/08.  Aparently my incompitance is still catching up with me.  I got a speeding ticket in NY and after arguing it I got a list of demands from them that was completely unrealistic.  Submit a letter explaining my defense, my driving record from PA, two other forms I have never heard of, and a deadline of a week.  Just send me to court!  I laughed set it too the side, assumed that since I had a PA license and this happened in NY it would be unlikely that they would be able to do anything effective.  I also noticed that the speeding ticket stated that they caught me with radar, and my $450 radar detector didn’t pick up any radar that day.  Then moving to California, I thought “why bother”.

Times have changed, computers control the world.  States are talking to each other now, and it SUCKS!  Something else that I did, which could of been prevented.  I remember the day well.  Me and my wife were late for a Dr’s appointment for my daughter so I was trying to gain time by speeding.  I turned up the radar detector and floored it.  I guess when you are going significantly faster than everyone else its pretty obvious.

PA is now sending me a letter with instructions of how to fix everything, but until it is all fixed I have no drivers license.  Which makes me exceptionally nervous since I live in my car and get ID’d every couple nights.  Not only is my license suspended it obviously states that it is expired on it.  As well as having expired tags on my car, I have a bad feeling that its only a matter of time before it catches up with me.  But, what other choices do I have?  I earn about $400 a week (If I am lucky, $300 is from NYS unemployment).

The cheapest I have seen any time of living accomidations is a room in someone’s house for $600 a month.  Which is 50% of my monthly income.  Not leaving me much else.  A studio apartment starts at around $800 a month and a one bedroom apartment starts around $1,000 a month.  Personally I want something large enough for my wife and daughter to feel comfortable in as well and hope they may move back in eventually.  Begger’s can’t be choosers…, right now I am stuck living in my car.

I think that because of all this ordeal with my license if I do get in trouble, they will tow my car, give me a heavy ticket and possibly charge me.  If this happens I see no other choice but to go and apply for some government assistance such as wel-fare.  I just hope that the police understand this and have a heart as well as giving me the respect that I haven’t done this and am trying to deny any handouts.  Afterall it is their tax money I would be stealing.

I just hope it doesn’t come to this and my break comes soon so I can start working and begin my new life.

I have had an ear infection for a couple days now and have “Googled” and “WebMD’d” as much information on the cause as possible.  I have reason to believe that I have swimmer’s ear.  A day or two before I got the infection I was taking a shower and intentionally put my ear in the stream of water as I had an itch and have always had a re-occuring problem with wax build up in my ear and this had never been a problem before.  Its a quick simple answer to cleaning some extra wax out of my ear.

Stupid!

My inner ear is swollen, and the part of my cheak just in front of the ear is tender.  I feel like I have a fever but its hard to be sure as I don’t have a thermometer.  On my birthday I checked it while visit my wife, which it was 100.5 then.  Now I believe it has gotten worse and spread to the other ear.

I have purchased about $20 worth of OTC drugs to try and treat it myself.  My wife keeps telling me to go to the V.A. clinic which I dread.  I think part of me is that they will turn me away, as I do remember that I had a physical to determine what physical disabilities I have developed because of the Army.  Ears isn’t on my list.  This is another assumption and I will only know if I go there, but part of me also doesn’t want to get off the computer drive 20 minutes and wait for 3 hours to say “keep doing what you are doing”.  Again another assumption and as of lately I haven’t been right on too many things.

Currently I am using this swimmer’s ear drops and cotton balls.  Which it seems to help relieve some of the pain and itching, but after I take the cotton balls out my ears seem to pop alot, which make it incredibly hard to hear with or without the cotton.

Yesterday was an incredible day.  Which today…., of course everything decided to balance itself out.  Which in writing this now I have also realized that the date is the 13th.

I woke up this morning to find a parking ticket on my car.  As I figured I might but the alternative nearby spots had signs for towing the car.  I parked on the street which has a time limit until 7:30am.  Finally sleeping in a bed after several weeks in the car I slept like a baby and easily slept in.  I woke up at around 8:30, and left the house at 9.  The ticket was timestamped at 8:40.  I guess I should read into it that much.

I get around and go to the gym to take my shower and everything else.  While I am in the shower a 3-4 year old boy pulls open the curtain to poke his head in to ask what I am doing.  Probably the last thing I was expecting in a gym.  Then came the 20 questions, all starting with “why”.

“Why are you taking a shower?”
“Why don’ you take a shower at home?”
“Why, Why, WHY!!”

From my understanding the “Kids zone” which is a short term day care facility in the gym while parents are able to work out were watching him and he needed to go to the bathroom and they just let him go alone.  Its safe to say that they won’t be watching my kids anytime soon.

After the gym I ran to the DMV to renew my driver’s license.  They did all the paperwork and everything needed and then handed me a notice explaining that the state of PA has suspended my license.  They can’t give me any further information.  My license expires today so even after today it doesn’t even look legit.  They give me a number to call and I found out nothing more than it is suspended and due to the time difference its after 5pm in PA so there is no one to talk to.  I can only assume that at this point is they canceled it cause I tried to renew it after business hours in PA.

After going back home, (my parking lot), I download my e-mail and other daily checks that I do online.  One thing I noticed was that the cache I thought was a clever hide was not only found, but was found in the dark, and has been found by three people so far.  One explaining that they would of camoflauged it better.  I thought that I didn’t need to considering it was in a hole in the end of a tree branch, completely out of sight.

I sent my wife a text explaining about my day, and sit back and try to find something to pass the time and wish this day to an end.  Which came after my wife called me to give the ever famous “I told you so” speach, complaining about how I always wait until the last minute and to see where it gets me.  It’s not that she does the whole “I told you so” bit, its the fact that I keep giving her the oppurtunity that agravates me most.

I can’t believe I am 30 years old today…., However my wife has been kind enough to remind me of today since my last birthday.  The day started off slow and I began my regular routine.  Which after an hour or so I slammed my computer shut and took off out the door.

Found a geocache, and hid my first geocache.  I thought it was a clever hide as I have never heard of a cache hid in this fashion.  I found the location by luck.  I was surprised even more when I got the notification alert on my cell phone tonight as well.

My wife managed to get off work early around 5pm so that we could go out and spend the evening together.  Even though it was my birthday I told my wife that I had already got everything I want, time with her.  I let her pick the resturant.  She didn’t want to spend much money as I believe she thinks that I am on the verge of starving.  She picked a Chinese Buffet.

One of the things that seperate me and my wife is that she always, not matter what thinks about the future.  Depending on the day or the occasion I try to think about the moment.  Such as a birthday or anniversary, I try to do everything I can to enjoy the day and make it a memorable experience.  She made a joke about having lobster but after a quick leacture from her about saving money we decided on the buffet.

It was a quiet yet simple dinner.  My daughter got a little excited when she saw the gumball machines which I only had 3 quarters I let her have them and she got a Dora sticker, with a little persuastion.  After dinner we drove around hopelessly trying to spend some time together talking without a destination.  After about 20 minutes my wife pulls out her mothers GPS and we decided on the Marina in Martinez.

At the marina everything is dark and we could only see a couple boats.  Don’t quite know what we expected to see there but the main focus of the night was to drive around and talk, which we did.

After an hour or so of driving around we went back to her mothers house where she basically told her parents that it was my birthday and I was spending the night.  I could tell when she got to the me staying part as her father let out a loud, childish, sigh.  Loud enough to let everyone in the room to hear and know exactly how he felt about the idea.  I was both annoyed that he was upset with the idea, yet amused that he would act like that at the same time.  My wife grabbed me by the arm and pushed me into her room, telling me to just ignore him, knowing that I was slightly offended by her father as this is not the first time he has done something like this.  I suppose tonight was a little more stressful for my in-laws as they were fighting with each other and the sigh was more than likely him feeling like everyone was pushing his buttons today.

I got to put my daughter to bed and then stayed up a little longer talking things with my wife and all said and done, considering the circumstances today was the best I could of hoped for.  Simple, pleasant, and chearful.  I got to spend it with the people who matter most to me, and everything ended on good terms.  Well, her father has always been this way, so he is easily ignored.

Last night I had a visit from the police, which was not the first time.  This guy however woke me up by knocking on my window.  I told him my story and gave him my ID.  After he checked that I wasn’t wanted anywhere and that my car (with expired registration) wasn’t stolen he wished me a goodnight and left me alone.  He had given me the speach that I was on private property, but as long as no one complains he has no problems.  No complains, no crimes, I am welcome to stay where I am at in the cops eyes.  Considering the problems I read about in the paper I think he is more interested in drug dealers and gangs, than Army vets sleeping in cars while looking for work.

Then this morning I slept in a little as I was up later than I wanted waiting for a download to finish before I could move the car into my parking space.  I recieved a second knock on my window.  Some elderly man who claims to walk by every day noticed that my car was parked in the same spot for the last couple days, and also noticed someone was sleeping in it.  Supposedly after a conversation with some other people in the nearby grocery store he decided to introduce himself and hear my story.

I told him I am homeless, and get unemployment which is enough too survive, just not enough to get an apartment.  I ensured him that I have everything I need, told him about my gym membership for a shower, and that I am here cause it is safer then told him my story about my break in.  I left out the part with my wife and tried to keep it simple.  A guy that comes knocking on a strangers window out of concern seems like he will easily fill an empty hand extending whatever he can.  I don’t want charity, and am well aware that by applying for wel-fare in the state of California they won’t give much money, but they will give an apartment, which is all I need.

The man was very sincere and at one point I felt like he wanted to give me a hug as I could hear the compasion and concern in his voice.  I assured him I have everything, my car is a 2007 Chevy and is in good condition.  He commented back that it was a nice car, and we made a joke about owning such a new car, but being homeless.

Sad as it sounds to say that I am homeless, I am not a bum.  I have enough money for food and gas, a gym membership to take a shower, shave, and brush my teeth.  A laptop, which I can use to get on the internet at Starbucks, and an AC converter for the car which lets me charge my cell phone and laptop.  I have everything, just no place to call home.  As long as no one complains about my presence then I am ok.

I think because I do portray myself as a homeless vet who is eager and shows the ability to work it is giving me a little more leaninacy towards living like I am.  I am polite and don’t put my hand out trying to get sympathy.  I’m not panhandling I am sitting in the corner and showing my independance.  My story might have its sad points, but I don’t let it get me down and I don’t use it too my advantage.  I look on the bright side and people see that, which is possibly the reason that I am able to park my car in the back corner of the parking lot near homes and no complaints.  At least that is what I am hoping.  I like this place as it is tested, and I believe it too be safe.  I should be looking for an alternative parking space in the event I am told to leave, but I think if I just leave the present police juristiction being told to move a second time won’t be portrayed as a second time.

As nature runs it course, somewhere it felt that I didn’t have enough on my plate.  I don’t know how it happened but I guess like everything else lately, it just happened.  My right ear is swollen to the point that it hurts.  I can’t lay my head on that side and even tried placing an ice pack on it in hopes that it would reduce the swelling.  Ice pack only touches the outer ear, and its my inner ear that is swollen.

I haven’t had an ear infection like this since I was a kid so its kind of a surprise that I get one now.  I tried to clean the ear but its so swollen I had to remove 90% of the cotton on the q-tip to me able to insert it in my ear.  Its been so long since I have had an infection like this I am not even sure what to do.

If it keeps this up I will have to pay a visit to the V.A. which I really don’t want to do.

Until I get myself situated, or better put, once I find a job, I can find a proper location to find a home, the only means of internet I have is through T-mobile Hotspot.

I signed up for a year contract, which seemed ideal at the time and it saves me $10 a month.  I have no clue how long I will need the use of a wi-fi spot, but without a job every penny counts.  Signing that contract though is looking more and more like a mistake.

It’s one thing to program the technical support number into your phone, its another to set it too speed dial, and even worse when you call and the technical support agent greats you with “you again?” as soon as you give your name.  Its that bad.

I have no problems connecting to the network.  There is always a nice strong signal and I can connect to it from a distant from the hotspot.  Sometimes I will sit in the car lean back, login to CBS.com and watch an episode of C.S.I. through my car stereo…, that is, when I can login.

Sometimes it will time out, over and over again.  I can browse t-mobile.com without any problems, and if I wasn’t with AT&T for my cell coverage I would be half tempted to purchase the new Blackberry Curve.  (It is also available for AT&T, but the phone is $100 more even after rebate.)  If it doesn’t time out, then it is usually an issue with my user name being logged in.  Which is a simple fix, I make a call say “same problem again” they know my name and everything else, then fix it promptly.  Bottom line…, I can’t login without making a phone call.

One would think that by logging off at around 8pm then trying to log back in around 10am the system would recognize that you haven’t been online in over 14 hours and would reset your account on its own.  That is not the case here.

As long as I sit in one spot, have the power adapter so my battery doesn’t die, leave the laptop in the open when I visit the restroom, and have no computer problems or other updates in which require a reboot (yeah right I am running windows), then there is no problem.  One phone call a day and I am good.

However I suck down coffee as if it was the only thing keeping me alive (some days it is), so I make frequent trips to the restroom.  If I develop a prostate issue later in life you may never see me again.  I have a buggy computer that I am always trying to tweak and improve, and keep every little peice of software up to date so 30-40 reboots a day are normal.

I am hearing promises of them fixing this issue by the 12th, but I don’t have my fingers crossed.  At the least I would expect some type of compensation, or whatever to keep me happy, but I think they are well aware that they have me by the balls with that contract.

You can’t have your ying without the yang. Karma does have its rebounds. The down side is in my life there is no grey area, or time spent in between. Its really bad…, or really good. After having so many days on the bad side, I have been well overdue for a good one. Today was that day!

I haven’t been sleeping well for the past week or so, mainly cause I am still a little shaken up from my car being broken into while I was inside, and I wake up to every little noise. This morning I only woke up once, and that was at 4am (7am in New York) cause my father sent me a text message telling me that my cousin had her baby. After going back to sleep I managed to sleep in until 9am. Which I haven’t done in months, so already I feel extra energized and rested.

I decided to try a different gym, as with my membership I can go to any 24 Hour Fitness center. The one I went to was a lot bigger and had a lot more showers where the one I had been using only had one shower. This meant I wasn’t as rushed and could just stand under the hot water and relax a little for a minute before getting out.

Then I went to the mall and walked around, stopped by the Hallmark store to buy an “I love you” card for my wife and my card was rejected, which I am playing off as a good thing. I was a little hesitant in buying the card and my wife hates me spending money and I wasn’t sure she would appreciate it much. Them refusing my card also threw up a red flag telling me to check my bank account and most other places would of charged my card anyway. (Later I learned that my insurance payment went through and it brought my account lower than I thought, but still positive).

Then at 3pm I went to my in-laws house and thought I was taking my daughter for the day, but due to my father-in-law taking the car I had no car seat and they left me to watch my daughter in their house. I was a little uncomfortable to do this but it turned out to be better cause my daughter fell asleep shortly after I got there and I didn’t have to spend any money to go somewhere.

After my wife got off work, her parents dropped her off then left leaving the house to the three of us, which we were able to sit down and eat like a family. Taking into consideration the deal me and my wife had worked out last night we took our first night of starting over.

Being able to hug and kiss my wife like a married couple, for the first time in over three months felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I had a grin you couldn’t remove with a blow-torch. My daughter woke up for a little while after my wife got home and then went back to sleep so we were able to spend some time one-on-one with each other and talk. I gave her a massage as she was very tired and sore from working as her body is not use to working like she did. In the process of me giving her the massage she made the comment that she liked “boyfriend” better than “husband”, which I corrected her per our agreement that we would still call each other husband and wife. Other than that there were no disagreements, everyone was happy and I felt like I did when I was married, living in Tennessee, and didn’t have a brother-in-law living with us.

If nothing else this entire situation is an eye opener and allowing me to understand what my wife wants out of life. I am just sorry I had to go through all of this to realize it.

Of course the perfect day could end without a kiss, and my wife telling me she loves me.

Sounds too good to be true. I did in fact get a “yes” as a response from my wife. How did I get it? By agreeing to some things that I am not particularly pleased with.

To sum it all up, I told her that if she wants the divorce then I will be completely ignorant to the entire process, agree to everything, and sign whatever she puts in front of me. When all is said and done she can have whatever paperwork she wants. I wish to remain completely ignorant to it all.

My demands are we still call each other husband and wife, and wear our rings. I don’t want to ever hear the word “divorce” as long as I live, no matter what. The big thing, we start working on that second chance, NOW! She said “YES”. At this point I will take what I can get. I love my wife and to be given the opportunity to show her that there is more to me than what the Army brought out.

At most I can hope that she sees it before divorce is final and grants my previous request of placing everything on hold and stick with the separation. One step at a time though. I am just overly excited that I can spend time with my wife once again.

I just hope I don’t screw this up.